Alternative to high velocity lead poisoning.

[Omahayank]

I got that knowledge by working, for only about a week, in the fruit&veg dept. of a GIANT warehouse club. That was prob more than 15yrs ago....those smells, NEVER leave you.

[Foggy]

Well i dont know how i missed this one, and I suspect im too late. But i do have the perfect answer. You need in depth intelligence gained from careful hours of undercover observation, Watch them carefully, note where they sit, on which wall, where do they lean, agaist which buildings. Note all this down.

Next step is to gather your arsenal. My advice is calf poo. New born calves produce a thick deep yellow poo that is quite unbeleivably sticky. So if you know a dairy farmer he'll be only too pleased to get rid of it. Wear gloves. Keep it in a tin. You wont need a lot, i suggest a pint should do. Failing calf poo then baby poo is pretty similar.

Now comes the wonderful day, using your intelligence gathered previously smear minute quantities of the stuff exactly where the kids sit or lean or in their parlence, hang. Dont overdo it, or they will be alerted prematurely. little smears, under the lips of walls, on the edge of posts, tiny blobs wherever you have noted them sitting. oh and Wear a face mask.

Return home and try to hold back the involuntary chuckles that will already have started to grip you.

Come the evening. position yourself in a bush or behind your curtains, binoculars will be invaluable.

Now the beauty of this stuff is that it doesnt really stink when left alone, but once little fingers have smeared it, it transfers to their flesh and clothes like foot and mouth virus. Watch for the signs, nothing may happen for a while. be patient. You will first notice one of them gingerly smelling his fingers.He may be too embarrased to say anything, thinking its his own bodily excretia somehow on his fingers from his continual arse scratching. he will wipe it of onto his jeans, or try to. Another will soon follow and a sort of communal hysteria soon develops, Accusations against each other become rife.

Take care not to give yourself away, stop your heaving chuckles by biting something (not those gloves) Savour every moment as they disperse in horror, vomitting will be widespread. Reflect on how they will take the evil stuff back to their indolent useless parents.

You will relive every moment, every subtle wrinkled nose, every ghasp of revulsion,every urge to vommit, sleep will evade you that night as the ripples of open unashamed laughter rock your bed.

[barbelblanker]

Foggy, I must find me a dairy farmer soon.
I already know exactly where the little so and sos like to sit and wil try this at the first opportunity. The rotten grass water seems to be discouraging them too. Just fill up the water butt with all sorts of clippings and the water from the bottom of the bin and let it leak. Very short term and does tend to stink out the whole lane but what the hell.

[Omahayank]

YES!! Foggy is right!! Meconium is insidious stuff!!! Do NOT get it on anything you want to keep.
I can only imagine calf meconium...bigger critter = Bigger Smell

[Foggy]

Omaha........... what the hell is meconium? cant find it in the oxford dictionary, is this another Americanisimalisation? maybe Bush uses it hes caused a lot of meconium to happen recently since the terrorists misunderestimated him.

Oh ive found it online now, "a babies first stool" I have to admit i hadnt heard of that one.

[Omahayank]

NASTY medical term for NASTY baby crap from inside the womb s);oP

I WISH I didn't know Anything about it!!!!!!!!!

[barbelblanker]

It's that lovely tarry stuff that your first born sh@@s over your dearly beloved just after you look at her (the nipper) and say "Oh my God she is just so beautiful". Too knack@@ered and need of a smoke to nitice the smell but it looked pretty evil "OK love must go and ring mum now, oh she's done what??" Run away.