jokes

[silverfish]

Very good mate.

[ctwhitelaw]

What do you get when u cross a Rottweiler with a Labrador puppy?

A dog that bites your head off, then nicks your toilet roll

[fishypaul]

very good

[pingu]

an old man and a stunning young blond go into a jewellers late on a friday night

"I'd like a ring for this young lady, the best you have please, money no object" explains the old man

the jeweller promptly looks in his special ring cabinet and finds one

" here you are sir £10,000 pounds though"

"nice" says the old man "but do you have anything more exclusive"

at this the jewellers eyes light up and he goes out the back and comes in with a stunning peice of jewellery "£30,000 tho sir he explains"

well the young blonde is agape and wide eyed and trying to stutter the words "please, please" although finds herself unable to speak

"excellant " says the old man

"If i give you a cheque you can contact the bank first thing monday confirming the settlement then i will be in to collect later in the day"

well come monday morning a rather irate jeweller phones the old man

" you lying old toad" he shouts " there is no money in that account!!! "

"I know" explains the old man

"But"








" can you imagine the weekend i've just had"

[John Marshall]

Love it Dave,

[upnorth1]

Husband: " What would you like for your birthday luv....?"

Wife: "Ooooo.....erm....bigger boobs, please..."

Husband: "Take some loo roll and rub it on your boobs three times a day - every day...."

Wife: "Will that give me bigger boobs, like...?"

Husband: "Well....it worked on your a*se....!"

[pingu]

love it paul

now should i try that on mrs p mmmmm

[Omahayank]

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."

A Colorado fan, a Florida fan and a Nebraska fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Florida fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Florida fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Colorado fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth (by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through, sending the Colorado fan out crying like a little girl.

The Nebraska fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world.
For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Husker fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

























"Tie the Colorado fan to my back."

[Wilza]

Whats the best way to see a flying Saucer



Push the Waiter

[upnorth1]

Originally Posted by Wilza

Whats the best way to see a flying Saucer



Push the Waiter