jokes

[Omahayank]

LOL sick, but LOL

[pingu]

John, a loving husband, was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, John got up really early.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

John is not yet well enough to have visitors....

[pingu]

Three Holy Men and a Bear:

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said; he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.


The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[fishypaul]

love it

[devondave]

got lots of good ones ... some the mods would have fun editing ;)


how many animals can u fit into a pair of tights?



2 calfs 1 beaver 1 ass countless hares the occasional cock and 1 dead fish no bugger can find



thats the cleanest one i had

put this on another thread dont know if everyone saw it!

[pingu]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."

[wellyfish]

lmao nice one dave

[Omahayank]

Ha Ha Ha!!!

[pingu]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never

been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.



One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.



As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no
longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu
all winter."

[Omahayank]

Lol. That's how I use mine these days.

If you ever find yourself lost in the woods of North America, here is what you can do.

1. Do NOT panic! (Very important).

2. Simply find a small clearing where the sun shines upon the forest floor for at least 1/2 hour.

3. Find a good, straight stick (1) at least as big around as your thumb and approximately 18 inches long.

4. Find two (2) small objects, of a color, contrasting to the forest floor. (Two white stones are usually acceptable).

5. Jam the stick perpendicularly, into the ground of the clearing, so that it casts a shadow on said ground.

6. Mark the free end of the shadow with an object (1st rock).

7. Wait 30 minutes, and mark the free end of the shadow again with the other object (2nd rock).

8. Now place your Right foot (very important) on the first (#1 rock) and your Left foot on the second (#2 rock).
....(The stick SHOULD be in front of you!)

9.CONGRATULATIONS!! You are now (lost in the woods and) facing South!

ps. Remember, the cambium layer of tree bark is edible. Good Luck