jokes

[Omahayank]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because,
she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was
curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your te$ticle$
are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my te$ticle$
are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.""No problem", said the
president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of the mirror examining his te$ticle$, turning them
this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
positive that no one could consider his te$ticle$ as square and
reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made
the day before that the president's te$ticle$ were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so
that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked
the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in
the morning I would be holding the ba11s of the President of the Bank of
Canada !"


LOL..............I'll get my coat

[grinner]

a man goes into a pet shop and asks the assistant for a goldfish,certainly sir would you like an aquarium? the man says "im not botherd what star sign it is i just want a goldfish"

[pingu]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said,
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And
sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly The
Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
"urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.


When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" ?

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No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are".

[Plod]

Brilliant Dave, love that one. Even my wife laughed, first time in years!

Darren

[wellyfish]

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back

[pingu]

Subject: Hot & Cold




Hot & Cold Sex



After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold
and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in January and the second time is in August.

[fishypaul]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Wigan Infirmary.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can
tell
me
how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name
and room
number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Janice Flynn,
Room
302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say
that Janice is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood
work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled
her to
be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Janice
your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Janice Flynn from Room 302 No one
tells
me f**k all...

[the boss]

a mans lying in bed and he's waiting for his wife to get into it.she passes a mirror and stares. after a while she says"god, i'm short, fat, and ugly".
her husband stays silent.
"you could at least say something positive about me!" says the wife.
the man pauses and then says to his wife.............................................. ........
"well, you've got bloody good eyesight!!!!".

[Omahayank]

A buddy of mine has a "trophy" wife....apparently not 1st place tho

[pingu]

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the
first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third drop he had just scored his first
ever King Terakihi
When his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife
had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in
ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He
decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the
hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his
best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the
hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept
Fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife
has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead
and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your
last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?"