jokes

[pingu]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin However, and the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,


I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

[pingu]

a selection of really poor/bad jokes for you on a gloomy wed morning
-------------------------


What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.


******
I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn't tolerated at the Labour party conference.

******

Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is

wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it,shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss.

Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the

bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.



"You there Boss?"

------------------------
My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

******
A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

******
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.

Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:

Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"

Scouser: "Dunno, something about a 'job'."
***************

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.

He's just called S now.
***********
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
******************
The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes

[John Marshall]

MORE

[fullcreel]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?





Nothing, she just gagged

[fullcreel]

Another Doctor joke

A man goes to see his doctor,
He say, "Doctor, I have a problem, each time I go for a movement, it comes out looking like french chip, you know like chips".
The doctor is perplexed, but professionally interested, he tells the man to drops his trousers and under pants, and bend over, touch his toes so he can be examined.
"I think I can cure this with no surgery, or nasty drugs", says the Doctor.
All the man can hear is snip snip snip.
"all done" says the doctor, "you can get dressed now".
"Thanks Doc, what was it? What have you done?"
"Oh nothing serious, I just cut 6 inches of your string vest".

[Greenheart]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ...and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a
Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy , South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California .
There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back."

[pingu]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him
every day.. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby
all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for
so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to
Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike,
you've been my best friend for many years. If it's
at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of
nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died...'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's
rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who
died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never
rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we
want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

[Lewis 77]

Robotic Bar Man

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A popular bar has a new robotic barman installed.

A guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "130."

So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on.

The man listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool."

Another guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"

The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking about TV, the weather and so on.

The man thinks to himself: "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy comes into the bar. As with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"

The man replies: "60."


The robot says: "Aah, you must be a West Ham fan ?"

[Dog & Gun]

Man asks wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?", "I'd take half of it and leave you" she replies, man says "OK here's your fiver now f*ck off!"

[fishypaul]

Originally Posted by Dog & Gun

Man asks wife, "what would you do if I won the lottery?", "I'd take half of it and leave you" she replies, man says "OK here's your fiver now f*ck off!"

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