more to titter over

[fishypaul]

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and
housing associations throughout the UK:

01. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.

02. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very
badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.

03. ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his
balls against my fence.

04. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night
that blew them off.

05. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

06. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.

07. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
pregnant. We are getting married in September and we
would like it in the garden before we move into the
house.

08. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen.

09. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster
and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an
old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road;
every morning at 6am his c-oc-k wakes me up and its now
getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do
something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
would you please do something about the noise made by
the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken
and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to
swallow

[Foggy]

LOL i love those

[Twiddler]

lmao....do I get a permit for number 8?

[fishypaul]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
>are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
>and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
>calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>_________________________________________________ ___________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot?
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
>WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>_______________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>_________________________________________________ ___________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
>_________________________________________________ ___________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
>attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>WITNESS: Guess.
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
>like to rephrase that?
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>_______________________________________________ _
>ATTORNEYo you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>an autopsy on him!
>_______________________________________________ _